Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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