I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
