My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you inspire me to be a worse person
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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