I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
