You just made me feel so damn special
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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