Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
