Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
