I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
