I want to stick my p in your. b.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
