DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
