I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
