how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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