I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize