Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
