I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
