I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
