I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
