I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
