You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
