Only a mothe r could love this liver
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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