No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
