What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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