I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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