her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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