He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
