I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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