Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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