I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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