Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
