I feel great
I just peed on a car
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
