Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I think I died a long time ago.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
