I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
