I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
