I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
