Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
