you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
