just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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