I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
