Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
