this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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