OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
