my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Of course I have a pirate flag
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
