How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
