Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
