we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
