Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
