time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
