I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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