In the future we'll all be gay
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
