the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
