I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
