I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
