He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Randomize
