Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
