a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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