Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
