Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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