someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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