I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
