i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
