I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
